So I’ve always been a girl of many passions and interests. This presents a problem in discerning which of those passions God is calling me to focus on – aka how he needs me to minister to others. It’s led to distractions like saving all of the starving children in Africa. Well now that I’ve actually opened myself up to the Holy Spirit and am paying attention to his inspirations (someone told me recently that the fastest way to holiness is to follow the inspirations of the Holy Spirit), I’ve been able to see much more clearly what my unique vocation might be. It also helps that I’ve discovered another layer of my vocation – being a nun. Now I am trying to dig deeper towards the person that God made me to be.
So I’ve been asking myself, what is the deepest desire of my heart? What is at the root of every career and activity I’ve been drawn to? The list is long – English(teaching and writing), Journalism, Social Work, political activism, campus ministry and the list goes on.
I think the commonality between all of these things has finally been uncovered: a desire to discover and share the truth. Truth: this is my deepest passion. I’ve always thrived in the classroom, especially classes like Philosophy and Theology, in which ideas are being intensely discussed and the truth is being sought. I was drawn to English initially because the basic aim of Literature is to reveal universal truths about humanity. Teaching stemmed from the desire to share these truths with young people. Journalism is also aimed at revealing the truth (although it doesn’t seem that way often). My passion for social justice also stems from a desire to reveal the truth. Most injustices exist because of a lie spread about human dignity. For example, abortion is accepted based on the lie that a fetus is not a human being.
In coming to this realization, I’ve been trying to figure out why I was led to Social Work. Did I get distracted by the desire to help the poor and the excitement of “changing the world”? Well I was partially drawn to Social Work by a desire to help people on a more individual level and then I was attracted by the prettiness of activism. Recently I am finding that my strengths lie more in spiritual ministry and building personal relationships with others. I desire to help each individual discover their true self, by discovering the truth of God’s infinite love. This desire to help others caused me to focus on material poverty, but I’ve finally realized the seriousness of spiritual poverty. And, in the end, the truth about poverty can only be discovered by forming relationships with the poor themselves.
And it always comes back to this one thing: writing. It is the talent which God has granted me to convey His truths to His children. I’m not sure what these realizations mean but I don’t necessarily need to know right now. Part of surrender is letting go of the “need to know”. God is asking me to trust Him by becoming a nun, and He’ll take care of the rest. I don’t need to know the next step, although that is something I am still struggling to accept.